Video 2

 No, remembering when I would run from my dorm room and go down the stairs, exit the door and run to the library area and then go past the history building to which there would be this large open green space and then I would run down the hills and then up the hills to another area of trees and then you get to the math and science buildings. I had a crush on an older lady who dressed emo, studied art and already had a kid. The thing is that unlike everyone else; this person was not full of the shit of endoctrination and rather the whole thing was rather nice. I mean I liked this girl who sat behind me called Becky and I think that ultimately whole Becky was something of a person I thought was not endoctrinated but very much could be. The whole thing is that this older woman gave me solace. Literally I was 18 and this person was 27. Basically-9 years apart in difference but its not like as if they were 70 or something or even 40. Greatly; woman did not even stop her seeming joy in this 1984 fuckshit place and that was endearing. Tried to get me some points with the Becky and really much that makes them the winner of all the women. Not trying to destroy a person's romantic life but recognize their feelings and try to get them with someone their age.

The thing about the fall is that it was everyday determination to get better. Nothing went as planned. Nothing at all. I just made these fake friends that your highschool living tries to make you just settle for all bullshit that comes your way. These people were detractors than friends and ultimately no one who speaks behind your back is a friend of you. I can count at least 5 or ten times these assholes spoke about me and they weren't even good about hiding it.  The thing is I never wanted to introduce this woman to any of these friends. Someone I wanted to hide from ever even being apart of the warp sycophant inner world of the campus that older and often non-dorm students can somewhat escape to an extent or not if they really are into it.  I have to come to realize that was nature showing the way. The most primal instincts working and that is why these motherfuckers never got to her to warp her ideals or put things as they really aren't. She was too old to be manipulated in the first place. A woman who already had a kid. Mature. Not immature and well experienced in the world knew what was what and no one and not one person; could stop what they were and add them to the debackle of this place. There are no secret connections. This woman just went straight home to her kid. 

The thing is that this person was already going to get married in the first place and so what? The thing is that-they were out of reach but for me they were a solace in the sea of who to trust and who not to trust. You ever read the 1984 book, well that is modern reality and yes I speak from experience. People who are idiots with their thoughtspeak taking a culture from native people and warping everything to do evil. These people destroy and I create. There is no way I would ever get with some woman in all actuality when all they do is destroy and fuck shit up. The perspective of this is that there in that time I thought I had failed because I seemingly messed everything up but all in all; most of the women I aimed for the most were creeps. I don't know what the fuck it is. Narcisttic, drug induced, drinker, smoker, a person who sleeps around too much and all of the above in one. We can add people who actually want to do physical harm to people but cannot. People who lie to theirselves who they are and keep up this false image of who they are.

I am saying this false guilt ate away at me in some crucial time of creative development.  No, at a good deal of time after this dissappointment I was watching a Pokemon clip of the then new XY series. I was thinking how far Pokemon had come from 2000 and this was in 2013 and then I started to think. My room was lit not ever and it was dark and an idea came about but I knew I would not be able to work on it or so I thought. I was so close to what would be a game changer and I just let it slide. I choose to on that day to not aspire to create them all. Not to catch them all and just be mediocre but never again.